The Turning point

Around 7 years ago, I questioned everything, including the existence of a God. I went to mass like a regular Catholic, but I didn't utter a word for that whole one hour. It was a routine, a reason to meet friends. I did pray occasionally when I needed something, but after a point of time I stopped doing even that because I found it pointless, not a single prayer was answered. Was there a God?

Then came the darkness

I hear whispers of my mother going for a checkup, I see on her face something is wrong, but I don't understand it. I push the thought away because just a few days later, my sister suddenly cries out in pain. She cannot breath, she is gasping and is rushed to the hospital at night. Her lungs were filling up with water and the doctors don't seem to know what to do with it. My parents ask me to stay with my sister in hospital one day because my mother had to go for a lung biopsy. I knew they were doing it to detect cancer but I didn't want to think 'it could ever happen to my family'. 

That evening I went home and I opened the door for my mom. She was exhausted and her face was filled with pain. She sat down and exclaimed " Jesus went up Calvary, now I must go to Calvary".  She went on to describe how painful the biopsy was and how she couldn't stop imagining how painful it was when they pierced Jesus in his side. I was numb and didn't utter a word. I thought to myself, " how can she think about God, when he isn't saving her now".  Reality hit a few days later, the reports detected third stage Cancer. Google said there was no real cure. Was I just watching my whole world break into pieces. Who do you talk to about this? Who can console you? I fell on my knees but I didn't know how to pray. I just cried and shouted at the God my mother believed in so much. 

I seen my mother comforting others in hospital just an hour before she was to lose her left lung in an operation that almost took her life. The doctor said she had to be resuscitated and operated on twice because of internal bleeding. Was it a second chance at life, I wondered? I grew up in the next three months. I went from a spoiled 20 year old, to a stronger woman than I thought I could be.

The night I will never forget

I was happy that day, my mom seemed better, I had cooked for her and she loved it but then she said such distasteful words "I had such lovely food, now I can die in peace". She sat the whole day with us and watched TV. By evening I was about to leave to go to church for a novena. It was the first time in my life I went for novena's, it was a desperate attempt to save my mother. As I was leaving she told me, not to go that day, but i insisted and left. I remember the topic of that novena was on Mary accepting the will of God in her life and by the end I closed my eyes and prayed "May your will be done in my mothers life, help me accept your will". I went home and my mom was angry that I took so long. She was waiting for me, I didn't understand why. My sister also just reached home by then. In the next five minutes, I seen a nightmare I relive ever so often. My mother unable to breath and shouting out to my sister " I am going to die". No, it couldn't be. It was all lost. I remember screaming inside my head at God. Where were you? Why? Why? Why?

A month had passed. You wouldn't imagine that things could get much worse. My sister was back in hospital. This time it seemed more serious. They found a dark patch in her lung and they suspected cancer. They were to remove the liquid from her lung to test it. Understand my desperation! I Googled searched 'prayers in desperation' and I stumbled upon The Divine Mercy Chaplet. I took a print out and before reading it, I spoke to God and tried to bargain a deal with him. Since I was the one who had stopped the Rosary in the house many years ago and found it difficult to implement back again, I agreed to gather up the courage and say the rosary with my family again, if God could for once, listen to my prayer and make the water in my sisters lungs disappear. Yes! it sounds like a childish prayer, but in my defense I was a child, I was just 20. I went crazy repeating that chaplet over and over again that day. I was determined or desperate, depending on how you look at it. 

Glimpse of God

It was 5'o clock and I was in office while my sister was taken into the operation theatre. I hadn't worked all day, just prayed like never before in the corridors of my office building. Then a phone call. My sister. How could it be? She was screaming. "Karen, you won't believe it! They can't find the water in my lungs anymore, it just disappeared. They can't understand it." I screamed and everyone in office looked at me. I was overjoyed. Finally, he answered my prayer. So there is a God, but still at the back of my mind it lingers, where was he when my mom needed him.

Finding my answer

Few weeks later, I was being coaxed by my boyfriend (now husband) to go for a retreat, but i refused. That night, a strange voice in my head told me "Go and you will find your answers". I went and found it rather ordinary until the adoration that evening. The lights were off, all you could see was the monstrance in front. I remember saying " God, where were you when my mother was dying". Then it hit me, right in the chest. This energy that I can't explain, my heart started beating so loud, i thought i was having a heart attack. I moved in my chair but then realized it didn't hurt, it seemed rather soothing. Tremors started going through my body, from my toes to my lips, I wasn't in control of my body any more. I was surrounded by something so strong, tears rolled down my eyes and I don't know why. I felt pure Love for the first time in my life. Like a flash, images came before my eyes of how people came and fed us when my mom was sick because we couldn't cook, how her company paid the enormous bills, how she accepted her suffering, how priest came to comfort her, how my family finally started speaking to each other, how we were once again praying together. I realized then that God was with me every step of the way.

My friends, this was just the start of what brought me closer to God. This was my turning point. I tell you honestly, if suffering never came, I would never know pure joy. My mother took up her cross so that me and my family might be saved. 

Karen Sequeira